Disguised bliss

I have failed to blog in a while 

I have an excuse 

actually I have 3 :)

Their names are Brae, Phoenix and Valiant 

and 

They are my world 

I am in a sentimental mood...

I love my boys 

In a way I feel my boys have saved me 

Regardless of my age when I gave birth to my first born 

He gave me purpose

A reason to keep on keeping 

A reason to believe in myself 

A will to fight for whatever he needed

It doesn't matter that I haven't gone to college yet

I will go when my youngest is old enough 

But 

For now I am a mother and I love it 

Wouldn't change my life for anything 

In 2007 

I planned on attending SUU and completing a bachelors in Fine arts

Department of Theatre Arts and Dance

that was my plan

and 

then brae changed my plan in 2008.  

I have since modified my plan 

 I can live vicariously through my son 

Brae

He loves musicals :)

It's pretty much awesome 

and for now that's all I need 

to live my life for my sons 

until they are old enough to start living it them selves

I'm young enough I am not worried 

I will teach dance someday 

or be a high school drama teacher 

or grace the stage once more 

but for now 

I am content gracing my living room with the occasional event of breaking out in song :) 

My Opinion on Election 2012

I am not a very Political person 

But 

I have some things to get off my chest 

I am for Mr. President Obama 

No questions asked 

If Mitt Romney wins 

I am literally scared of what will happen

Not only for my own personal life but that of 

Hundreds AND Hundreds 

of Women.  

If Planned Parenthood has funds taken from them 

Less people will have access to Birth control 

and yes America we will see another rise in Teen Pregnancy 

I am not for Abortion 

BUT 

it does exist and has since ancient times. 

If it is made illegal then we will also see a rise in unsafe abortion practice 

Or

Women who do not want a baby, carry it to term and end up killing it anyway

Yes world this happens all the time!!

I read an article the other day about a 27 year old woman who put her baby in the washing machine!

And 

Two weeks ago a 14 year old strangled her newborn baby! 

All because they didn't want a baby

I also know many LGBT people 

and quiet frankly they are human 

So they needed to be treated as such

Plain and simple 

It's pretty much like segregation in the 50's and 60's 

Seriously???

It's sickening we choose to be this way

and it's sad 

Many of those people I know are family 

....

Those are the biggest problems I have with Romney 

So my vote will be for President Obama 

Plain and Simple 

Not to mention Mitt Romney is RICH 

Like beyond Rich 

Is that the American Majority?

I don't think so....

Teen Mother

"Teen Motherhood"

I was just on the cusp of turning 17 when I gave birth to my first son Brae.  

I was admittedly scared to care for another life but in all retrospect I was completely ready for it.  

Nervous might be a better word :)

Despite those feelings my natural maternal instincts were already telling me I was ready. 

Yes, 16 is young but I had never really felt 16 to be honest.  High school kids my age were in word "egotistical" everything in High school revolved around what big hunky football player liked which cheerleader and the same scenario in different cliques with different people.  I much rather the sound of my baby boy :) 

I have been a mother for four years now and have added two more sweet boys into my family.  The point of this blog is essentially to share my trials of teenage motherhood.  

I had no problem giving up football games for diapers.  I know weird huh? 

I loved my baby boy

I fed him 

Bathed him 

Sung to him 

Cradled him 

laughed with him 

Played with him 

and 

most of all loved him unconditionally 

People would stare at me

No not stare 

Glare!

It made me feel low 

and 

I'm not sure why 

Because I was sure I was the best mother I could be 

Why couldn't they see that?

Because I was 17 and a mother 

One time in a supermarket when Brae was 4 months old I was looking for hair dye for the school musical I was going to be in.  The character required black hair 

I was with my best friend talking about how excited I was I finally got a lead role in the fall musical.  

She asked me "Is this your baby?"

I said yes and I said he was 4 months old.  

She gave me disgusted stare and walked off scoffing "ugh babies having babies what is this world coming too".  

I was hurt and couldn't figure out why she had acted in such an awful manner.  Because I am sure that as I was replying to her question I had admiration for my baby written all over my face.  I recall kind of cooing the response to this question.  

So why was she mean when it was apparent I had loved this little boy with every fiber of my being? 

Simple 

JUDGEMENT 

and it saddened me that someone could be this way when all I held dear to me was my little boy. 

Since that day I have put a veil over Judgement of any sort 

I am not Judgemental and people who Judge me I simply do not see or hear.  

I am a teen mother and although it's not the smartest thing it's my life and I am proud of the way I have raised my son. 

I wouldn't trade my sons for anything 

No matter my age at their times of birth 

I love them 

and will protect them until the end of time 

in body and spirit. 

Valiant River Colvin

August 29th 2012 

11:20 am 

My belly was hardening, not painfully but I could tell Baby Valiant would be here soon.  I had of course been pregnant and gone through labor twice before . My appointment was a crucial one because the Saturday before I had endured a procedure called "aversion" a very painful procedure where doctors try to move a breech baby from it's position to the correct position of head down.  At the appointment my midwife had informed me that Valiant had gone back to his favorite position...breech.  In a unique twist though he was not only breech he was transverse. Meaning he was laying across my belly, head below my right ribs and feet below my left.  Needless to say I was in pain.  I left that appointment dissapointed, I was sure that I was in labor.  I had taken the advice of my midwife and gone to a chiropractor.  

3:00 pm 

My chiropractic visit was strange, I had to lay on a weird table so the doctor could adjust me.  I had to lay on a weird table because I was of course pregnant, can't lay on the belly...ugh I felt like a whale laying on sea sponge. After the awkward table adjustment the doctor informed me that my last delivery was so close to this delivery that my pelvic bone had slipped an inch behind where it should have been (Note that at 30 weeks pregnant valiant was head down and suddenly at 35 weeks he was breech) that explained why he had tried to descend to the natural position but was blocked by my bone. I have always been against c-sections unless absolutely necessary.  I was appauled some women opted for them when they were perfectly healthy enough to endure childbirth.  By the way c-sections are much more difficult to recover from then natural childbirth.  Not worth it in my opinion.  Anyways the point is that I was not too happy I might not get to enjoy having my baby the natural way.  

7:00 pm-10:00 pm 

I had decided to go to Crystal Hot Springs, I was exhausted from the last nine months.  Soaking in the springs helped my contractions, it soothed my aches and pains.  Since my adjustment earlier in the day my contractions had progressed.  I was in the uncomfortable stage of labor, but little did I know I was in active labor.  The drive home was not much better.  Since I had left the comfort of the warm water my contractions were rapid and every five to seven minutes apart and lasting about a minute.  My kids were kind of freaked out by my noises. I was breathing through the contractions but every other contraction I would make a grunting noise haha. My oldest son couldn't really figure out what was wrong with me.  

August 30th 2012 Birthday of Valiant River Colvin 

12:00 am 

I was home and decided I needed to get back in the comfort of water so I hoped in the shower for a good 45 minutes.  The contractions were not tolerable at this point and I was grunting and breathing very heavily through each one and occasionally squinting my eyes (although I'm sure that didn't really help anything) I had finally decided something was happening and it was time to go to the hospital. 

 

2:30 am 

My husband and I dropped our kids off at my mother's house with my father and our good family friend Diedre.  My mother and husband talked me through contractions on our way to the hospital but they were so painful I was  not even listening.  My first two births were easy, easy to breathe my pain out and easy to push my little one's out.  This labor was proving to be way different...By the time I had walked from the car to Labor and Delivery I was not only clenching any surface I could grab... I was now screaming.  Once a doctor came into my room he or she( all I could hear was a voice at this point I couldn't differentiate voices I just heard words) told me that I was only two centimeters dialated but I was in very active labor.  According to the doctor a transverse baby is one of the most painful ways a baby can lay.  My uterus was trying to push him into the correct position so therefore it was constantly contracting.  Translation...I had no breaks from the constant pain.  I felt like I was in a bad Hollywood movie, one where apparently every woman screams during labor and sweats profusely.  I wanted it all to just be over I couldn't handle the pain.  Never before had I endured pain of that magnitude.  Despite my pain the doctor wanted to try another aversion so I could have a normal delivery.  On my way to the operating room I was screaming in pain.  Good thing it wasn't day time or I would have scared many pregnant women on that floor.  I was being moved from the bed to the operating table and suddenly I had ruptured, my water had broken and my bodies natural instinct to bear down was kicking in.  I had felt this before during my previous births but it was when I was 10 centimeters dilated! This was crazy and so surreal.  A nurse kept saying "don't bear down!" well hello I can't help it!!! I just screamed I was in to much pain to make a comment about the ridiculous request the nurse was making.  Immediately things went into "emergency mode" the anesthesiologist quickly explained a "spinal" which is way different then a normal epidural.  I just nodded my head and hoped I would not feel the contractions soon.  The needle went in my back and immediately my entire body was numb.  So numb infact the nurse had to catch me from falling off the operating table.  I was on the table and now pain free. The doctor said in a firm voice "incision" .I could feel the scalpel cutting through my skin. It was all so surreal and felt like a dream.  Not even a minute later he says "Baby's out" and all the while I realized my husband was not even in to room yet!!!!!! He came in maybe 30 seconds after Valiant was out.  6 lbs 10 oz Baby Valiant was born at 3:16 am.  

Passing through life

The other day my husband's grandfather passed away after being pulled off life support.  He had suffered a major heart attack a couple of days prior to his passing.  He had three major organs die all at once and he slipped into a coma.  The decision to pull him off life support was made and he went with ease. It's hard to imagine people die every day and people are born everyday.  You never know when someone you know will die.  I have been thinking about morality since that day.  What happens when you reach that moment of death.  Was he already gone when he went into a coma? Had he been trying to make that decision all along? To leave this life for another? Morality is not something I think about a lot.  I am healthy and happy.  My husband's grandmother and grandfather raised him from the time he was 12 years old.  Grandpa aka "Grumpy" was a hard headed man.  Deeply rooted in the way's he was raised.  My husband had a hard time relating to him.  It was unfortunate they never truly got along.  They would be civil but they never really understood each other.  I know in my heart though they loved each other in some way. Some way deep in their hearts they loved and cared about one another.  Grandpa used to call Jeromy(my husband) every other day.  Sometimes he would forget why and sometimes it was to complain Jeromy didn't do something.  Jeromy would always think of his grandpa when we would shop.  Always asking if he we should buy him a new coffee cup or a new cane.  He would bring grandpa food and near the end of his life grandpa had no idea what food he was eating.  He had become so blind and his taste buds giving into the test of time that he thought a KFC snacker was an Arby's roast beef sandwhich.  At first I thought he was kidding when he said "This roast beef is delicious" I felt bad when I told him he was not eating a roast beef sandwhich.  He looked sad like his sanity was slowly slipping away, but immediately made a joke about his age and that was that.  I had my own disagreements with the man but I always respected him in every way I could.  I will miss him, but I am glad he is now pain free and with his daughter flying high in the sky :)

Creating Sanity

Tonight I decided to create a blog. I don't know why I just did.  

My sons keep me on my toes and it will be nice to sit down every night and express how I feel.  Maybe this blog will help keep me sane. That is all...for now